I need a pause button. May 26, 2008

Yeah.  So.  Six days til I’m officially college educated.  And, cue the panic.  

It’s not so much that I’m worried about working after I graduate…I’ve already got myself set up for work as soon as I hit NYC (one of the painters that graduated last year is working in fashion…doing window and showroom displays and needs help, annnnd, one of the directors I worked with at Monomoy heard I was coming to the city and has work for me as well!), and I definitely have a roommate, as of today, so that’s working out nicely, too.  It’s just that…I don’t know…I’m scared.  I think.  

This summer got booked up quick.  It feels like every time I try to relax and focus on painting and healthy living, my schedule just piles up on me, in no time!  I’m not complaining, per se…I am blessed that my schedule fills up quickly, I suppose.  I’m just so tired of having to schedule time for fun.  Whatever happened to spontaneity? 

FireBall also leaves in six days.  I hate this.  She has been out of town for these last three weekends running, and that leaves us with enough time for me to stare at her while she packs her life up.  Not exactly the grand, sweeping, romantic, farewell-for-now I might have been envisioning.  That’s okay, though.  Life is busy.  Other things take priority.  I hate that, also.  We are trying to go tubing on Wednesday…she’s never been and I think it would be an excellent afternoon spent lounging in probably still-frigid waters and trying to get right with the fact that we just found one another and now we have to say goodbye (for a Few Short Months).  I’m so stupid.  Anyone…tell me why I didn’t call her for nine months?  Idiot.  

My whole family is going to be here in six days, as well.  That’s not stressful at all.  Huh uh.  I can’t wait to see everyone and share this moment with them, as I am quite sure they are maybe happier than I am that I’ve graduated something, finally.  But then there’s the whole Good Behavior thing.  My family will be attending parties with me where I would, in their absence, get really drunk and probably end up making out with someone in the bushes.  Except, this time, Grandma will be in attendance.  Maybe I shouldn’t even bother worrying about that…it’s not like they don’t know who I am, or my capabilities for Actin’ Tha Fool.  

I’m happy that it’s only six days away.  If only I could get The Paper, and then promptly pause my life…FireBall could stay for the after-parties (and meet my family…not gonna lie, I want that to happen) instead of getting into her rental truck and driving away as I am sitting on stage in my pretty dress.  Stupid, stupid, stupid timing.  What an odd combination of a happy high point, and a heart-rending loss.  Also, I think I have spent too much time in the company of drama students.  Heart-rending loss?  Who do I think I am?  I mean, really.  Way to be melodramatic, Motorboat.  Self-deprecation aside, I am shriveling on the inside, hardly able to begin imagining what it will feel like, not to see her for months.  She has the richest eyes, framed with a fan of fine wrinkles that she hates and I find so sexy.  She has smiled so much in her life…you can read that in those wrinkles.  Her face is smooth, wrinkle-free, except for her Smile Lines.  Oh man, I’m gonna miss her.  I hate it.  

I’m trying to hang onto the notion of taking walks down endless blocks, leaves and trash crinkling around our feet, her arm through mine, and all the noise of the city fading away when she laughs.  

Jesus.  I think I’m the only person I know who lacks the good sense to avoid falling in love a month before graduation.  Who does that?  It’s absurd.  Although, I suppose everything happens for a reason.  And she is, coincidentally, everything I want in a partner.  Except present.  Damn. 

(hehe) oops. May 23, 2008

My house is filthy dirty (love my roommate but he does not have the same standards of cleanliness that I do, and that means that I have to clean his rotten food out of the sink) and no less than 50 people are going to be at my house in six hours.  Oh well.  Here we go, friends and neighbors.  I suppose it’s just going to get dirtied up, anyway.  

Graduating is crazy.  I have spent so many hours with the same 40 people, constantly, for four solid years…I think they might know me better than anyone, since they’ve known me as friend and coworker. There’s a somber undertone to all the bliss and job of being done with this place.  Good god, it’s been a challenge…but under the duress of too little sleep and extremely high levels of forced productivity, deep connections have been forged.  I love this school.  I love these people (okay, I love 30% of them with all my heart, and that makes up for the 70% that I will forget ever existed after two weeks apart).

I have to go clean the house. 

 

 

Does Not Compute April 4, 2008

First of all, it’s really driving me crazy that the new formatting for this blog won’t allow me to use the return key.  I need to be able to make paragraphs.  Otherwise, the five paragraphs turn into one, unappealing jumble of words, lacking the emphasis and grammatically correct usage of The Paragraph.  Seriously driving me crazy.  I know I’m a technological invalid, but come on.  Let me push enter and create my paragraphs.  Please.  Re-entry into scholastic life was rocky, going from Paradise to The Final Push.  My tan is still holding strong, and therefore I have a daily reminder that I had a lot of fun recently; this is good, as it keeps me from pulling my hair out at the roots and walking out of class(es).  The notion of a speedy eight and half weeks until my graduation is a little bit crazy.  I can feel the Emotional Trainwreck inside of me gearing up for a really world class temper tantrum.  On the one hand, I am about to crawl out of my skin the need to move out of NC is so strong.  I love my home.  I’ll always return.  But 30 years in a row is enough for now.   I dream about my departure to L.A. every day, five times at least.  It’s scary and feels very far away right now, but there’s a sense of satisfaction, knowing I have finally come far enough in my life to pursue my dreams with the confidence that I will achieve all of my goals.  L.A. is where 8 year old me wanted to live, and now, 22 years later, it still sparkles just as bright.  On the other hand, I hate leaving this lush, gorgeous place full of so many people that I adore and cherish and need.   I’m not worried about friendships falling away, I have a pretty good track record of keeping in touch; its my brother, and my parents, and real barbeque sandwiches and the mountains and the beach and all the green green trees, all the hicks and the lazy rivers and the cheap beer I used to enjoy.  Mostly, I think I’m scared because this move signifies such a change, that of everything I’m letting go of.  I’ve held on to too many old habits and buried fears that just Aren’t Who I Am Anymore, and I feel (hope) that this move will be just the thing to help me really air out the corners and put things back in, organized and tidy.  Mind you, I’m a bit petrified to walk away from this enviroment, these people, my perfect, delightful, lovely dream kitchen, and the ability to worry about my grades instead of worrying about student loan payments.  It is the right decision, though.  I can tell something grand is waiting for me out there, I just have to show up and find it.   In other news, my last student theater experience is nearly over.  One and a half more weeks of Paint Frenzy, and then what essentially amounts to my thesis show, is complete.  And oh my gosh, it’s gonna be memorable.  Unorthodox, too abstracted, and way too fuckin’ long at 4 hours with only one intermission, but people will think about it.  That’s why I like my job, I suppose.  It would seem people think far too little, of late.   

No More Early Evening Naps! February 22, 2008

I have class in less than six hours, and I can’t sleep, all because of a stupid, delicious, luxuriant one and a half hour nap I took after dinner.  I am not a Napper.  I never have been.  It just doesn’t work out well for me; either I’m wide awake til four a.m. or I’m totally discombobulated until I go back to bed.  I refuse to do homework this late at night, having promised myself I won’t pull any more all-nighters at this damn school.  I’ve lost enough sleep to this institution already, and I see no reason why three more months of solidarity on this issue will hurt me in the long run.  Writing has been hard lately.  I have so much to say about so many things, too much, probably, and I can’t seem to focus on any one thing to relay in this blog.  Additionally, so many of my recent musings are complicated and weighty, major life decisions…for some reason, I am hesitating to write about them.  Which is weird, because I generally enjoy throwing the pieces out and watching where they land; it excites me for some sick reason.   Since my ADD is taking on incredible portions lately, as I am forced to constantly multi-task, I think the time is right for a list.  Here are the major bullet points that my brain has been tossing around this week: 1. Time moves faster Every. Single. Day.  2. I graduate in less than one hundred days.  This is a serious milestone in my life, never having graduated from high school, and being almost-30.  3. My last academic show is in production now.  The marble floor I’m painting is ridiculously gorgeous (and totally fantastical); it’s an electric blue base, with saturate red veins, and black marbling on top of that, with a high-gloss finish.  De-lish.  4.  It would appear that I have made a friend (who happens to be my best friends new boyfriend) who will, in all likelihood, provide me with the contact to his uncle, who  happens to own an apartment that is coming up for rent the very same day my lease is up, in the very neighborhood that I am looking to move into.  Hello, Silver Lake!!  Moving to Los Angeles is, all of a sudden, a feasible reality.  Not only that, but it happens to be my picture-perfect dream; a view of the Hollywood sign from the front yard, orange and lime trees in the backyard, smack dab in the middle of the biggest scenic artist enclave in L.A., and only six blocks away from two of my best friends in West Hollywood!  Oh, and did I mention it’s unofficially rent controlled?  For my own place in the neighborhood of my dreams, I would be paying less than I had initially budgeted to split with a roommate.  I’d be paying less than my friend who has a nice place in West Hollywood with Six Other People.  It is, quite literally, The Golden Oppurtunity.  I kinda can’t believe it.  Maybe it’s true, if you put your desires and dreams out into The Ethers, strong enough and often enough, maybe there’s a return? 5.  In nineteen days, I will be in Hawaii, on a ten day, all expenses paid vacation with my ex-girlfriend.   I don’t even know.  6. I’ve lost 38 pounds since my surgery.  I feel good mostly, it’s nice that people are noticing and complimenting, I eat a much healthier diet and am certainly experiencing the benefits of that, but I am seeing the downsides now, too.  A) I don’t drink caffeine anymore.  I had no idea how hard that would make staying awake for school.  It’s hard.  I’ve been drinking caffeine for 20 years, regularly, and had never really realized how much I had come to rely on it, as a stimulant to keep me going.  I will have to learn to be a napper, I guess.  B) I had one drink a couple of nights ago, and although I never got close to drunk, the next day I had a hangover as if I’d had six drinks.   C) I’m getting hit on a lot by girls at school, which, at first glance is an excellent thing, except for the fact that they’re all under 20, and that’s just not okay anymore.  It’s flattering, and it’s fun to flirt, but I’d like it if an age-appropriate woman around school would make eyes at me, for once.  7.  I am totally addicted to The Office DVD’s and I’ve been watching them, in no particular order, compulsively.  I don’t have TV, remember.  Dwight is my new favorite.  I want to watch The Office right now.  8.  Job Fair is in two and a half weeks, and I don’t even Kind Of have my portfolio together.  It is fair to say that I am starting to panic.  9.  For the first time in years, I dreamed about Dark Roast tonight, while napping.  She was really happy to see me, we were really happy to see each other, I should say, and she kept hugging me and laughing and we had a great conversation full of smiles, almost giddiness.   I could smell her in my dream, she always had this intoxicating scent of Aveda hair products and something else, maybe the swamp-water of Louisiana in her blood.  I haven’t felt warmly about her in quite some time, probably because I haven’t thought about her much at all.  It was nice to wake up smiling from an imaginary interaction with her; I have always felt a vacancy since meeting Dark Roast, more something she created inside of me than anything she ever filled.  I wish we could be friends, but she will always probably be a danger to me or any serious relationship I might be in.  You wouldn’t be able to say ‘no’ to her, either.  I texted her when I woke up, our first communication in two years.  She replied, civil enough, instantaneously.  I don’t want to open any doors that have been pleasantly shut for years, but I woke up tonight with an interest in how and what she’s doing.  Bizarre.  I haven’t heard her voice in years, I’ve trained myself not to think about her much, and she appeared tonight, like a Faustian Helen, waving at me from the dark side.  Now that’s it 3 a.m. and I’m probably risking sleeping through my alarm in the morning, I’m going to try to get some sleep.   

Coming Up For Air February 14, 2008

I got an email today from a friend (who also happens to read this blog) asking if I was okay because of my lack of posts or myspace surveys of late.  I’ve been meaning for weeks to sit down and write something, anything, just to maintain some semblance of my normal routine, but no, no no, apparently the last three and a half months (!!!!) before graduation have other plans for me.   This past Monday, I had the longest day of my life.  Not to complain, because it really wasn’t that bad, but goddamn, doing a five state round robin, all in one day, to make a doctor’s appointment in Detroit…it was brutal.  I left the south at 5 a.m., made my appointment in Michigan at 1 p.m., and was back in my house by 10:30 that evening.  Truly, the Longest Day Ever.  A woman I met, midair, somewhere over Ohio ended up giving me a ride to my doctor’s office, saving me $50 in cab fare.  I haven’t had one of those Charitable Strangers experience in quite a long time.  The last time a stranger did something so nice for me was when my car was getting towed right in front of my eyes, and the tow truck driver kept upping the price to get my car off the rig before he drove away; a man walked past me on the sidewalk and gave me the $80 to get my car back.  My free ride through Michigan was kind of like that, except I wasn’t crying and screaming obscenities.  I wish I had gotten her address, just to send her a thank you card, but I didn’t, and I will probably never see that stranger again.  Thanks, stranger.   My follow-up appointment went well…I had to hold a crunch for 15 minutes while my doctor played some funny fluid games in my abdomen.  The port they installed acts like a vacuum, he tells me, and to be sure that everything is working correctly, he has to let the saline suck in and out of the needle in my belly, a couple times, just to make sure.  Nothing has ever felt so strange.  I could feel the band expanding and contracting inside of me, and I could feel the port popping up to the surface with the super-crunch, and all the while, I’m sweating into the hat pulled down over my eyes, trying not to shake too bad from holding that crunch for what felt like forever.   It was over pretty quickly, and it didn’t hurt that bad, and my doctor has really nice eyes, so all in all, it was more uncomfortable than anything else.   I’m working on my last show EVER at school.  It’s a very exciting (terrifying) feeling.  I got a call about a job today in Boston.  Of course I can’t take it because the contract starts April 14th, and I don’t graduate until May 31st, and then there’s that week at the beach with my buddies…  I would’ve liked to have taken this contract, if for no other reason than I would have been living only five minutes away from my dear friend, Preggers, in Salem, Mass.   That alone was almost worth the shoddy pay.   What the hell am I supposed to do after I graduate?  Why won’t this blog let me divide my paragraphs with the return key anymore?  Where is that elusive puppet-painting job that I want so badly?   

American Gladiators, New School January 22, 2008

I was skeptical, at first, but I have to admit, I whole-heartedly endorse this makeover, this Renaissance that American Gladiators is undergoing.  It’s an exciting spectacle.  The co-host drives me crazy…I’m convinced ’she’ is a drag queen.  I call her Mary.  Hulk Hogan is large and orange, and Anchors swears that his arms are actually sculpted foam.  I’m not sure.  I think she could be right.  They really are abnormally large.  The best part of the show, in my opinion, is the Assault challenge, where if the challengers hit the target with their Nerf ball, amidst 100 mile an hour tennis balls flying at them, the gladiator at the helm is lifted off their feet, flown through glitter and pyrotechnics, and deposited, rather unceremoniously, in a large pool, face down.  They always belly flop.  It must hurt like hell.  All in all, it’s the best solution to the writers strike I’ve experienced yet.   I loved this show as a child.  

They Weren’t Lying December 16, 2007

I didn’t really believe my doctors when they told me I’m be up and around in 2 to 3 days.  In my head, I imagined I wouldn’t want to do anything but lie around for a week, at least.  Luckily, miraculously (in my head), I felt so good yesterday that I drove myself home so I could sleep in my bed, and lounge on my couch.  Today, there is hardly any pain, although I still can’t bend or twist at the waist.  Getting dressed probably looks pretty amusing, but that aside, things aren’t bad.  The pain is totally manageable, and the only thing that really, consistently reminds me of it’s presence is Incision Number 5, which is where the doctors inserted a port into my abdomen, so that saline can be added or removed from my lap-band.    SIDE NOTE: So, when I have to go in for a ‘fill’ in 6 weeks (more saline), they are going to do said ‘fill’ by inserting a large needle into the port that lives in the dead center of my abdomen.  I am not, I repeat, NOT okay with this.    Wednesday was mostly a blur; I remember coming to in the recovery room with a woman moaning on my left side…”Mrs. Allen, you have to push the button to get the pain medication.  Push the button, Mrs. Allen.  You have to push the button”…and a young man, 26, to my right that kept coughing/throwing up blood…”I’m scared, is this normal? I can’t stop…where is this blood coming from???”.  That was the worst part of the entire experience.  The staff that attended me were all nice and helpful and gentle and usually funny.   We left on Thursday just as soon as they discharged me from the hospital, because the notion of being trapped in Detroit by the massive snow storm burying the Midwest and Northeast was just too much to bear.  It hurt getting into the car that first time.  Really Bad.  Thankfully, the drugs are good, and I slept til we stopped in KY for the evening, and then I slept some more.  I could only sleep for stretches of two or three hours at a time, but that was probably good…that’s how often I decided I was supposed to take my pain meds.   Friday, we got up at 10 and drove the rest of the way home.  I slept the whole way.  The sun came back out, after five days of clouds.    Today, I feel good.  It is strange and unusual to me that I become full after 2/3 of a Jello snack cup.  And when I say full, I mean fulllllllllll.   Like turkey, stuffing and green bean casserole full.  It’s crazy.  I have been on clear liquids since the operation, and today I got to ‘move up’ to protein drinks and full liquids (tomato soup, essentially).  I think about all the foods I would like to eat right now, because it has been a while since I’ve had a solid meal, but then I think of actually eating something, and it’s not so appealing.  I guess the surgery is already working.   The only other really freaky part was that I had to give myself shots in my stomach, blood thinners.  The needles were, mercifully, the smallest gauge needles I’ve ever seen, and were connected with no real physical sensation aside from pressure, but the visuals…the visuals are hard to get over.  I don’t like injections, never have, and as such, when the nurse came in at 1 a.m. on my first evening of recovery, with a needle she wanted to put in my stomach, And Then tells me I have to do the same thing to myself for the next five days, I was not thrilled.  I got whiny, in fact.  I told her I wouldn’t do it.  She said, “Girl, you better make friends with this needle.  Look here!”  So I did.  It wasn’t as bad as I had imagined.   The worst is over, that’s the most comforting thought to me.  My innards feel like they’ve been manhandled and bruised, but things are settling in there, and I can already see the weight loss in my face.  It’s hard to constantly sip water (I was more of a guzzler when I got thirsty), but I think this thing is gonna turn out fine, after all, due in no small part, I’m sure, to all the people who were wishing me well.  Those things matter, I think!!  If my recovery speed is any indication, the Good Thoughts matter a lot!  So thanks.   I’m gonna try some tomato soup, although I never was much of a fan without a grilled cheese to dip.     

2,000,000 Sit Ups December 14, 2007

It feels like I spent the last week doing nothing but crunches.  However, I am on guuuuuud drugs, so I can only feel it when I stand up, or sit up from lying down.  I’m alive.  I’m in pretty good spirits.  My mom is driving me crazy, but we will be home this afternoon.  Hallejulah!!!   

Perfect. November 30, 2007

Today, these are the search engine terms that directed traffic to my blog:
1. poop gags
2. ellen barkin, bathing suit
3. jenji kohen
4. motorboat mcknickers

I love it. How appropriate. My favorite is the Ellen Barkin Comma Bathing Suit. I mean, what the hell is that?

Tomorrow is my last day as a smoker. Woooaaaaah. Tomorrow is also the date of mine and Daniel’s house party, which I ought to be cleaning for, right now. The magical cleaning elves have slacked on their duties and there are dust bunnies on the stairs the size of baby kittens. It should be a fun party, though…everyone is wound pretty tight, and completely exhausted by this point, so getting drunk is really in order. There are two other parties tonight that I think I might like to go to, but I ought to clean my room (cuz you never know…) and work on my rendering of the domestic dispute at the residence of Mr. BarBQue and Mrs. Fried Chicken. Good times…

Hallejulah!!! November 30, 2007

Grades just came in for fall term…all A’s and B’s…that’s some kinda miracle and I am elated. For real, my head is spinning a little. I thought I would be lucky if I skinned by with a C or C- in two classes, so it was a very pleasant surprise. I’ve managed to keep my GPA in a grad-friendly range, which I had accepted might not be a possibility based on this year. What I have deduced is that I am sick in the head, and the more tasks piled on and the more pressure I feel, the better I perform. It’s gross. I don’t understand it. Why can’t I be inspired when I don’t have eighty million things going on? Is this classic ADD?

Also, I got asked out on two dates today, both of them too young for me to even entertain; They’re not even legal to drink, for chrissakes. AND the Persian Princess got a national ad campaign today–TV, magazines, and the ‘net. I’m beside myself, I’m so excited and happy for her!! The best part is, she’ll be the face of alli (as in ‘alli oops’ I crapped my pants). I mean, hilarious. I can’t wait to see PP’s face in a People I’m flipping through in the health center…that will be a brain twist, for sure. I love it!

AND I have to quit smoking on Sunday, when I wake up after having (what looks like is going to be) a raging house party. Phew. This is crazy. I can’t think straight. It’s too much packed into one day… My brain is doing cartwheels and judo kicks inside my skull.

AND I need a shower.