No More Early Evening Naps! February 22, 2008

I have class in less than six hours, and I can’t sleep, all because of a stupid, delicious, luxuriant one and a half hour nap I took after dinner.  I am not a Napper.  I never have been.  It just doesn’t work out well for me; either I’m wide awake til four a.m. or I’m totally discombobulated until I go back to bed.  I refuse to do homework this late at night, having promised myself I won’t pull any more all-nighters at this damn school.  I’ve lost enough sleep to this institution already, and I see no reason why three more months of solidarity on this issue will hurt me in the long run.  Writing has been hard lately.  I have so much to say about so many things, too much, probably, and I can’t seem to focus on any one thing to relay in this blog.  Additionally, so many of my recent musings are complicated and weighty, major life decisions…for some reason, I am hesitating to write about them.  Which is weird, because I generally enjoy throwing the pieces out and watching where they land; it excites me for some sick reason.   Since my ADD is taking on incredible portions lately, as I am forced to constantly multi-task, I think the time is right for a list.  Here are the major bullet points that my brain has been tossing around this week: 1. Time moves faster Every. Single. Day.  2. I graduate in less than one hundred days.  This is a serious milestone in my life, never having graduated from high school, and being almost-30.  3. My last academic show is in production now.  The marble floor I’m painting is ridiculously gorgeous (and totally fantastical); it’s an electric blue base, with saturate red veins, and black marbling on top of that, with a high-gloss finish.  De-lish.  4.  It would appear that I have made a friend (who happens to be my best friends new boyfriend) who will, in all likelihood, provide me with the contact to his uncle, who  happens to own an apartment that is coming up for rent the very same day my lease is up, in the very neighborhood that I am looking to move into.  Hello, Silver Lake!!  Moving to Los Angeles is, all of a sudden, a feasible reality.  Not only that, but it happens to be my picture-perfect dream; a view of the Hollywood sign from the front yard, orange and lime trees in the backyard, smack dab in the middle of the biggest scenic artist enclave in L.A., and only six blocks away from two of my best friends in West Hollywood!  Oh, and did I mention it’s unofficially rent controlled?  For my own place in the neighborhood of my dreams, I would be paying less than I had initially budgeted to split with a roommate.  I’d be paying less than my friend who has a nice place in West Hollywood with Six Other People.  It is, quite literally, The Golden Oppurtunity.  I kinda can’t believe it.  Maybe it’s true, if you put your desires and dreams out into The Ethers, strong enough and often enough, maybe there’s a return? 5.  In nineteen days, I will be in Hawaii, on a ten day, all expenses paid vacation with my ex-girlfriend.   I don’t even know.  6. I’ve lost 38 pounds since my surgery.  I feel good mostly, it’s nice that people are noticing and complimenting, I eat a much healthier diet and am certainly experiencing the benefits of that, but I am seeing the downsides now, too.  A) I don’t drink caffeine anymore.  I had no idea how hard that would make staying awake for school.  It’s hard.  I’ve been drinking caffeine for 20 years, regularly, and had never really realized how much I had come to rely on it, as a stimulant to keep me going.  I will have to learn to be a napper, I guess.  B) I had one drink a couple of nights ago, and although I never got close to drunk, the next day I had a hangover as if I’d had six drinks.   C) I’m getting hit on a lot by girls at school, which, at first glance is an excellent thing, except for the fact that they’re all under 20, and that’s just not okay anymore.  It’s flattering, and it’s fun to flirt, but I’d like it if an age-appropriate woman around school would make eyes at me, for once.  7.  I am totally addicted to The Office DVD’s and I’ve been watching them, in no particular order, compulsively.  I don’t have TV, remember.  Dwight is my new favorite.  I want to watch The Office right now.  8.  Job Fair is in two and a half weeks, and I don’t even Kind Of have my portfolio together.  It is fair to say that I am starting to panic.  9.  For the first time in years, I dreamed about Dark Roast tonight, while napping.  She was really happy to see me, we were really happy to see each other, I should say, and she kept hugging me and laughing and we had a great conversation full of smiles, almost giddiness.   I could smell her in my dream, she always had this intoxicating scent of Aveda hair products and something else, maybe the swamp-water of Louisiana in her blood.  I haven’t felt warmly about her in quite some time, probably because I haven’t thought about her much at all.  It was nice to wake up smiling from an imaginary interaction with her; I have always felt a vacancy since meeting Dark Roast, more something she created inside of me than anything she ever filled.  I wish we could be friends, but she will always probably be a danger to me or any serious relationship I might be in.  You wouldn’t be able to say ‘no’ to her, either.  I texted her when I woke up, our first communication in two years.  She replied, civil enough, instantaneously.  I don’t want to open any doors that have been pleasantly shut for years, but I woke up tonight with an interest in how and what she’s doing.  Bizarre.  I haven’t heard her voice in years, I’ve trained myself not to think about her much, and she appeared tonight, like a Faustian Helen, waving at me from the dark side.  Now that’s it 3 a.m. and I’m probably risking sleeping through my alarm in the morning, I’m going to try to get some sleep.