You Want Some Who? February 29, 2008

Winter term is over.  Already.  I mean, I still have arts finals next week, and academic finals the week after, but the classes are pretty much done.  This is blowing my mind.  I had an inkling that time would become something of a rubberband slingshot, but I didn’t expect it to go quite this quickly.   The great thing is that the slingshot ends with a huge accomplishment, immediately followed by a fantastic week of sun and surf, then spending the summer painting a show that is personally important to me, and moving to L.A. when the lease runs out.  The unfortunate thing about the slingshot is that rubber bands have a tendency to snag in hair and they sting when they snap.  Everything that is happening is wonderful and great and exciting and I feel like I’m on the right path, like a tuning fork is vibrating inside of me, but it will not be painless or easy, and I will probably curse a lot.  16 days to Hawaii.  I’m beside myself I’m so excited.  I’ll get to see an old friend from Asheville when we are in Kauai, which is such a lovely bonus!!  I’m wishing for the days to pass quicker, and panicking because I’m getting my wish…somehow that sounds like Heller’s definition of Crazy in Catch 22.  Project Runway last night…oh my gaaah.  Christian is a stand-out talent but his stuff is starting to all look the same; the silhouettes and angularity are ever-present.  I think I’m throwing in with the Jillian camp.  She’s good.  I like her style and her attitude, saucy but still dignified.  She needs to quit with the high-waisted shorts and sweater combo, however.  I’m sad Chris had to go, but The One Dress that Rami made was, in fact, kinda gorgeous.   I’m ready to see the runway show. I went clothes shopping last night…not a single pair of pants that I own would stay on my body.  I have already dropped two pants sizes, come to find out.  It was pretty amazing and I spent too much money.  But I got The Cutest pair of green capris…you know I will rock them right.  In Hawaii.  In 16 days.    And I’m still girl crazy.  

The Rub, Quite Literally February 25, 2008

Alright, I’m gonna get personal for a second here.   I have noticed a trend within myself, whereby after not having sex for six months, I go bat-shit crazy like a miniature schnauzer in heat, wanting to rub myself on something at least twice a day, if not twice an hour.  It’s intense.  This phase lasts about three months, if this time is like any other Dry Spell.  Months six to nine are really rough for me.  I don’t know why.  What I do know is that I can’t think straight, and what with the coming of the spring breezes, well…someone, somewhere is in for it in a big way.  I feel like I’m going to explode.  I feel like the blood is boiling in my veins.  I feel like I might gain some clarity if I were to bang my head on a wall until dizzy.  I’m a big, whiny baby, I know.  And I’ve certainly gone longer than six months since sexual activity begin, but ye gads! six to nine months is a special, frenzied time, especially when those months correspond with the changing of the seasons.  Do you think my ovaries know it’s a time for rebirth?   Given these specific circumstances, I have been devoting entirely too much to the Pursuit of Scandal.  I need to do something a little crazy to spice things up, something to serve as the hallmark of Total Insanity that I am preparing to descend into, with spring break, and then graduation, and the summer time so close I can almost grab it.   I have a pretty good idea how I’d like this craziness to manifest, but it’s a tricky situation, hard to maneuver.  Some days, it feels impossible, but then she smiles at me with this secret twinkle, and speaks in code that I have to break down, analyze, replay, adding layers to this clandestine dance in which we are engaged.  She’s a riddle, and a Pandora’s Box, an Untouchable.  My charms are hard to resist, however, when I’m laying them on so pretty, and she is warming just like the ground; slowly, but consistently.   Really, I need to focus on graduating.  I just have to get there.  Three short months.  They will probably be the fastest three months of my life, and then onto the next chapter in this epic adventure that just gets more exciting every.  single.  day.   I am seriously girl crazy right now.  It’s ridiculous.  I’m a grown ass woman.  Maybe that is precisely the issue at hand; stupid spiking sex drive.   

No More Early Evening Naps! February 22, 2008

I have class in less than six hours, and I can’t sleep, all because of a stupid, delicious, luxuriant one and a half hour nap I took after dinner.  I am not a Napper.  I never have been.  It just doesn’t work out well for me; either I’m wide awake til four a.m. or I’m totally discombobulated until I go back to bed.  I refuse to do homework this late at night, having promised myself I won’t pull any more all-nighters at this damn school.  I’ve lost enough sleep to this institution already, and I see no reason why three more months of solidarity on this issue will hurt me in the long run.  Writing has been hard lately.  I have so much to say about so many things, too much, probably, and I can’t seem to focus on any one thing to relay in this blog.  Additionally, so many of my recent musings are complicated and weighty, major life decisions…for some reason, I am hesitating to write about them.  Which is weird, because I generally enjoy throwing the pieces out and watching where they land; it excites me for some sick reason.   Since my ADD is taking on incredible portions lately, as I am forced to constantly multi-task, I think the time is right for a list.  Here are the major bullet points that my brain has been tossing around this week: 1. Time moves faster Every. Single. Day.  2. I graduate in less than one hundred days.  This is a serious milestone in my life, never having graduated from high school, and being almost-30.  3. My last academic show is in production now.  The marble floor I’m painting is ridiculously gorgeous (and totally fantastical); it’s an electric blue base, with saturate red veins, and black marbling on top of that, with a high-gloss finish.  De-lish.  4.  It would appear that I have made a friend (who happens to be my best friends new boyfriend) who will, in all likelihood, provide me with the contact to his uncle, who  happens to own an apartment that is coming up for rent the very same day my lease is up, in the very neighborhood that I am looking to move into.  Hello, Silver Lake!!  Moving to Los Angeles is, all of a sudden, a feasible reality.  Not only that, but it happens to be my picture-perfect dream; a view of the Hollywood sign from the front yard, orange and lime trees in the backyard, smack dab in the middle of the biggest scenic artist enclave in L.A., and only six blocks away from two of my best friends in West Hollywood!  Oh, and did I mention it’s unofficially rent controlled?  For my own place in the neighborhood of my dreams, I would be paying less than I had initially budgeted to split with a roommate.  I’d be paying less than my friend who has a nice place in West Hollywood with Six Other People.  It is, quite literally, The Golden Oppurtunity.  I kinda can’t believe it.  Maybe it’s true, if you put your desires and dreams out into The Ethers, strong enough and often enough, maybe there’s a return? 5.  In nineteen days, I will be in Hawaii, on a ten day, all expenses paid vacation with my ex-girlfriend.   I don’t even know.  6. I’ve lost 38 pounds since my surgery.  I feel good mostly, it’s nice that people are noticing and complimenting, I eat a much healthier diet and am certainly experiencing the benefits of that, but I am seeing the downsides now, too.  A) I don’t drink caffeine anymore.  I had no idea how hard that would make staying awake for school.  It’s hard.  I’ve been drinking caffeine for 20 years, regularly, and had never really realized how much I had come to rely on it, as a stimulant to keep me going.  I will have to learn to be a napper, I guess.  B) I had one drink a couple of nights ago, and although I never got close to drunk, the next day I had a hangover as if I’d had six drinks.   C) I’m getting hit on a lot by girls at school, which, at first glance is an excellent thing, except for the fact that they’re all under 20, and that’s just not okay anymore.  It’s flattering, and it’s fun to flirt, but I’d like it if an age-appropriate woman around school would make eyes at me, for once.  7.  I am totally addicted to The Office DVD’s and I’ve been watching them, in no particular order, compulsively.  I don’t have TV, remember.  Dwight is my new favorite.  I want to watch The Office right now.  8.  Job Fair is in two and a half weeks, and I don’t even Kind Of have my portfolio together.  It is fair to say that I am starting to panic.  9.  For the first time in years, I dreamed about Dark Roast tonight, while napping.  She was really happy to see me, we were really happy to see each other, I should say, and she kept hugging me and laughing and we had a great conversation full of smiles, almost giddiness.   I could smell her in my dream, she always had this intoxicating scent of Aveda hair products and something else, maybe the swamp-water of Louisiana in her blood.  I haven’t felt warmly about her in quite some time, probably because I haven’t thought about her much at all.  It was nice to wake up smiling from an imaginary interaction with her; I have always felt a vacancy since meeting Dark Roast, more something she created inside of me than anything she ever filled.  I wish we could be friends, but she will always probably be a danger to me or any serious relationship I might be in.  You wouldn’t be able to say ‘no’ to her, either.  I texted her when I woke up, our first communication in two years.  She replied, civil enough, instantaneously.  I don’t want to open any doors that have been pleasantly shut for years, but I woke up tonight with an interest in how and what she’s doing.  Bizarre.  I haven’t heard her voice in years, I’ve trained myself not to think about her much, and she appeared tonight, like a Faustian Helen, waving at me from the dark side.  Now that’s it 3 a.m. and I’m probably risking sleeping through my alarm in the morning, I’m going to try to get some sleep.   

Coming Up For Air February 14, 2008

I got an email today from a friend (who also happens to read this blog) asking if I was okay because of my lack of posts or myspace surveys of late.  I’ve been meaning for weeks to sit down and write something, anything, just to maintain some semblance of my normal routine, but no, no no, apparently the last three and a half months (!!!!) before graduation have other plans for me.   This past Monday, I had the longest day of my life.  Not to complain, because it really wasn’t that bad, but goddamn, doing a five state round robin, all in one day, to make a doctor’s appointment in Detroit…it was brutal.  I left the south at 5 a.m., made my appointment in Michigan at 1 p.m., and was back in my house by 10:30 that evening.  Truly, the Longest Day Ever.  A woman I met, midair, somewhere over Ohio ended up giving me a ride to my doctor’s office, saving me $50 in cab fare.  I haven’t had one of those Charitable Strangers experience in quite a long time.  The last time a stranger did something so nice for me was when my car was getting towed right in front of my eyes, and the tow truck driver kept upping the price to get my car off the rig before he drove away; a man walked past me on the sidewalk and gave me the $80 to get my car back.  My free ride through Michigan was kind of like that, except I wasn’t crying and screaming obscenities.  I wish I had gotten her address, just to send her a thank you card, but I didn’t, and I will probably never see that stranger again.  Thanks, stranger.   My follow-up appointment went well…I had to hold a crunch for 15 minutes while my doctor played some funny fluid games in my abdomen.  The port they installed acts like a vacuum, he tells me, and to be sure that everything is working correctly, he has to let the saline suck in and out of the needle in my belly, a couple times, just to make sure.  Nothing has ever felt so strange.  I could feel the band expanding and contracting inside of me, and I could feel the port popping up to the surface with the super-crunch, and all the while, I’m sweating into the hat pulled down over my eyes, trying not to shake too bad from holding that crunch for what felt like forever.   It was over pretty quickly, and it didn’t hurt that bad, and my doctor has really nice eyes, so all in all, it was more uncomfortable than anything else.   I’m working on my last show EVER at school.  It’s a very exciting (terrifying) feeling.  I got a call about a job today in Boston.  Of course I can’t take it because the contract starts April 14th, and I don’t graduate until May 31st, and then there’s that week at the beach with my buddies…  I would’ve liked to have taken this contract, if for no other reason than I would have been living only five minutes away from my dear friend, Preggers, in Salem, Mass.   That alone was almost worth the shoddy pay.   What the hell am I supposed to do after I graduate?  Why won’t this blog let me divide my paragraphs with the return key anymore?  Where is that elusive puppet-painting job that I want so badly?