It’s Done!! October 31, 2007

This afternoon marks the last day’s work I had to put in on my first show of the year. And the best part of all is that there was only one note from my advisor…just The One. The last two shows I’ve charged, I’ve had a list a mile long (or at least five or six items) and last night, sitting in tech, he had to stretch to even find one. That feels good. I relinquished all of my crew (except the one Cute Girl) and washed all of my paint buckets, emptied out the slop room in the theater, and I. Am. Done. Until next term, I mean. Of course I will still have to paint all year long, but I’ve only got the one last show before I graduate…which ROCKS!!

I kinda feel like I’m on the top of the world today. I passed the midterm I thought I failed, I turned in another solid paper, I found out my art history teacher is using my essays to teach the other section of the class, I’m rocking some color theory in lighting design, my show finished, and I have a Halloween party to go tonight. Good times!

Ooooh I feel good. Finally.

We Listened to Records. What Does That Mean, Anyway? October 30, 2007

I hung out with my Secret Straight Girl Crush (against Anchors intelligent warnings…) tonight. It was fun. We listened to classic rock records–on vinyl–and talked for a couple of hours. She showed me her portfolio (funny, talented, and saucy) and we talked theater design and paint for a while. Now is the part where I have to stop having a crush on her and be totally satisfied with Just having a new friend. I can do that. I know I can. I’m not attracted to all straight girls. I have plenty of straight female friends that I don’t think naughty things about every time I’m near. I wish I could turn my brain off when she comes around. She’s got the kind of physique that I find most attractive, for whatever reason, and I like her eyes. And she likes dick, so that’s that. I mean, she’s no dummy, hanging out with an Older Lesbian that she barely knows, by herself, with a conspicuously absent roommate and a freshly made bed, but I can make a decision here. Right? Right.

I’m such an idiot. I am a glutton for punishment, and perhaps the Worlds Biggest Relationship Masochist. One day, I’ll find a Real Live lesbian that shares similar interests and values and needs and desires, and I could be supremely attracted to her, and maybe she’ll even be out. God forbid. I think my brain desperately wants something to occupy it’s Romantic Fixation zone; I work best if I can have a crush to think about during all the long hours of work. I’m not fooling myself into thinking that this crush will go anywhere, or even that I’ll do the right thing and resist if things go where I wish they would. I know myself better than that. I am a Straight Girl Magnet, and I have to accept my responsibility in that role. I don’t know why I keep trying to get with girls that will never actually Be With Me in the way that I want. Maybe I need the intrigue?

I need a rebound. That much is clear. I just need to do it and get laid and get past this hang up in my head and in my heart. I’m tired of feeling so lonely. If even for a night, I need to touch somebody and remember that there are lots of people in the world that are attracted to me, and that I can, indeed, feel excited in my stomach and my chest about someone other than JJJ…an affirmation that I can find pleasure elsewhere, and that, while things will never feel The Same as they did with JJJ, I can still feel good with another person.

I’m just stressed. I won’t lie. I got a love jones. Plain and simple.

Six Weeks and Counting… October 29, 2007

…until I get the ole Lap Band surgery. I can’t believe it. Deposit is paid, surgery is scheduled, I have a ’surgery consultant/liason (whatever that means…) and the rental car is booked. So it’s really happening.

Before all of these steps had been made, the surgery was something I wanted (needed) but it seemed very far away, kind of like the prospect of graduation when you’re a freshman. Here I am, less than two months away from what will be the most life-changing event I’ve ever experienced, and my Feet Are Cold. It’s not that I don’t want to have it, I do. I will. I am. But there’s a part of me that is freaking out, because I’ve always been fat. I’ve developed a way of relating to people, in the skin I’m in, because it certainly can present obstacles, but I’ve done it, and I know I can be charming, and that people like me. Soon, I’m going to be skinny, and the old way of relating to people (”we’ll be friends because that’s how life goes, since I’m fat”) will still apply, for sure, but with a new curve ball thrown in. Men are going to want to buy me drinks. People will try to sleep with me when I go out to the bar or club. My sure-fire, built-in method of knowing if someone likes Me For Me (…because they couldn’t like my body, could they?) is about to evaporate, and my social barometer is going to need some adjusting. It should be an interesting period, this initial adjustment. In one year from today, I will not be the same person I am right now. I will be half the person I am, and ten times more. That’s a shocking thought. In elementary school, I was that girl that everyone knew was gonna get fat in middle school. In middle school, I did what everyone predicted. In high school, I was the Funny One with a quirky sense of fashion, and lots of friends. In the years between high school and college, I learned how to be happy with myself. And now, my senior year of college, I am about to become the person I’ve always dreamed of, since I became aware of the fact that I didn’t look like all those Other Girls. I’ve always wanted to be able to shop at the stores that sell the clothes I actually like, and soon, I can. I’ve always wanted to casually date whoever, just because it’s fun to go out and meet new people. Soon, I will. These are doors that have been shut to me, and I feel like there is a breeze coming in from the place that’s about to blow those doors down.

I could be placing Too Many Eggs in the Skinny Basket, but I truly believe this is the last hurdle I have to overcome, to go ahead and be the person I’ve been waiting to become. Watch out, world. That’s what I feel like…a woman on the verge. Imagine…turning 30, graduating college, and finally losing this extra shell of weight. I can’t even imagine what it’s going to feel like. I mean, I can, and it’s beautiful, but who will that make me? What will I become? I could get vain, I could be a slut, I could let my ego run away with me. I hope that because I’m aware of these things, I can avoid them, but there’s no guarantees. All I want is everything I’ve ever dreamed of. Easy enough, right?

I’ll cut a different silhouette. I wonder what my shadow will look like.

OK, I Admit It October 24, 2007

I’m drunk blogging again. I’ve had only the three beers, but apparently, due to my infrequent alcohol consumption, I have become A Cheap Date. I guess that’s okay. I told myself I’d only have one, but I don’t have to pay for drinks, since I’m repainting the sign that hangs over the door at the bar. That spells trouble. I had forgotten they’re not charging for a while, and I took three dollars for One Pint, and end up drinking three (and a half, actually). Whatever. After spending four hours shredding gold wrapping paper, and gluing it to a one and a half inch wide strip of wacky, cut in a highly ornate detail, that happens to be 58′ long or something, I felt like I deserved a beer.

One of the sophmores on my crew joined me for a beer tonight. She’s cute. That also spells trouble. I don’t know what to make of all these new girls in the shop this year. Kitty likes to call them My Harem, because they flock around me and fawn over me and desperately want my approval, and a few of them definitely flirt with me at every given oppurtunity, and that makes it hard. I am Not Interested in dating anyone in the shop, much less another young straight thing looking for a College Experience, but damn if it isn’t tempting, every time. I mean, whose ego wouldn’t like young things of the preferred gender flashing their cleavage and playing with their hair every time you come near? I don’t know why and I don’t know how, but it happens, every single day. The tricksy thing is that This One Girl is really talented, really easy to work with, really idealistic and cheerful (not yet jaded by the harsh realities) and she won’t quit staring at my boobs or requesting (flirting) to work with me on every project. Clearly, clearly, I will take the high road and refrain from messing around with Attractive Straight Girl, but damn if it’s not hard when she’s encouraging me to drink more, and boring holes in my nipples with her eyes. Alas. Twas never meant to be. She’s not really gay, and I’m not really available. It’s fun to think about, though, and it certainly passes the hours in crew.

I finished reading the Island of the Sequined Love Nun today. LOVED IT. Thank you, Shades…what a great read! I recommend it to anyone who has ever enjoyed Tom Robbins or Carl Hiaasen. Or cannibals and trannies and conspiracy theories about organ harvesting and tropical locales. And the fruitbat named Roberto…oh, how I loved Roberto!! It was a great book. I read one or two chapters a night for the last couple weeks, and finally I couldn’t stand the suspense anymore and finished the last 40 pages during a break between classes. For the record, I love a book that has lots and lots of ten page chapters…best bedtime/bathroom/lunch break reads ever.

In other news, my appointment for LapBand surgery has been officially scheduled and approved for December 12th. I am, all of a sudden, very nervous. I’ve never had major surgery. The only time I’ve ever been in the hospital was when I was six, and I had to get my tonsils removed. That was a long time ago. I’m scared of IV’s, and I’m scared of anesthesia, and I’m scared of scalpels, and I’m scared of the fact that there are always risks involved. I have faith that it’s the right thing to do, and I believe it will all Be All Right, but today it became real, instead of just being this thing hovering on the horizon that I keep thinking about but it’s still too far away to really feel anything concrete. It’s only six weeks away now. The deposit has been paid, and the rental car has been reserved, and the doctors are expecting me. No going back now. I can’t wait, and I wish I could just fast forward six months, already.

I have to go to bed. I have to be in a classroom in such a short amount of hours, it’s sickening.

Gold Is The New Black October 23, 2007

Firstly, I hate midterms. They make me feel antsy and unprepared, when in actuality, I have kept up with the reading and paid attention/participated in class. I don’t have much to worry about. Even so, I flip through my notebooks while studying and I see the full page drawings of dancing elephants and ghostly hot dogs (it’s early in the morning, I can’t know) and I wonder what my teacher was talking about while I drew that. I took two tests today, and I think I did well, and relatively fine, respectively. Now, I’m loopy-tired, and wired on caffeine, and my brain is rebelling from doing an ounce of homework, as if it’s hit max. cap. for the day, and like the dry, hard ground outside my door, when the rain finally pours, all I get is run-off. So here I am, blogging, without any clear idea of a single interesting thing to say.

OH! I went to see Elizabeth: The Golden Age. Like I said, my brain refused work tonight–and I just realized I’m justifying Taking One Night Off–ridiculous! I can’t say that I’d recommend spending 8 bucks to see it, but then again, the magical colors and grand scope and scale would be lost in translation to an 18″ TV screen, but frankly, I was bored. Cate Blanchett is never less than stunning, and she didn’t disappoint, but I found the plot movement a bit slow at times. There were a few scenes of bothersome violence and brutality, but hey! it was the Inquisition, so I guess it’s totally justified. There was this one scene of a traitor in a form-fitting body cage, and there were spikes on the cage that closed at the face, so that metal prongs would bury themselves an inch or so into the victim’s cheek and forehead…gruesome. Geoffrey Rush is convincing in his role as Protestant advisor to the queen (I love him…he’s another that can do no wrong in my eyes), and Clive Owens is the well-dressed ‘pirate’ Sir Walter Raleigh (they don’t teach that in the local schools, that’s for sure); strong casting, decent writing, a half hour too long. Most notable, in my opinion, were the costumes and the wig design. I gasped out loud several times, Elizabeth’s dresses were so gorgeous; the subtle shift in colors from beginning to end (pastels to rich, saturate greens and purples) gave me Eye Boners. The hair styling was awe-inspiring, too…the silhouettes were incredible, plain and simple. I’m glad I saw it, it was an excellent way to spend a Monday evening procrastinating, but I didn’t love it. I will say this; the fire ships were fucking awesome, any way you look at it.

I have finally settled into the rhythm of school, finally. Its not so hard to get up every day before 9 o’clock…yeah, I know, quit my bitching, right? but why do you think I’m a theater major? It’s the odd hours. Anyway, it doesn’t hurt so bad anymore, which means I’m not always in a bad mood these days. I think maybe that’s a relief to everyone that has to see me every day…this past month and a half has been really hard, and largely unhappy. The fog is starting to clear a little, and I’m smiling a little more, breath comes a bit easier, and I don’t cry every day. That’s a step in the right direction.

I can’t believe it’s almost November. That’s fuckin’ wit me right this minute.

I Didn’t Even Have To Use My AK, I Gotta Say It Was A Good Day October 20, 2007

For the first time since school started, I had a really great day. I got a whole eight hours of sleep, right in a row, for starters. After I rolled out of bed at a still-respectable hour, I headed to the mall for some clothes shopping…always a mood elevator. I found a pair of jeans that fit me well, and there was a 5 for $25 sale on hot unders, and I spent less than one hundred dollars, total. Not bad. FotoFunBooth was also on the agenda for the morning, and Anchors and I managed to take maybe the greatest four-frame photobooth picture in all of creation. After shopping, we wandered outside of Belk to the Denim Tour tent, where we got to chat with Tim Gunn (!!!!) of Project Runway fame. Not only was he the nicest, most approachable man ever, but we had a Real Conversation that lasted for about ten minutes, including laughter (we made Tim Gunn laugh!! oh joy!) and chatting about our mutual friend, whom he had just had breakfast with earlier in the day. The photographer for the local paper was snapping shots while we chattered with TG, so my meeting with the man who coined, “Make it work” will likely appear in three color print for all to see. So not only do I get to meet an icon of mine, but I get to be in the newspaper with him! This situation is one of those silly things that shouldn’t mean as much as it does, he’s just a person, but it made me feel better than I have in weeks, and I’ll take that where I can get it. After the mall, I returned home and studied for a few hours, did some prep for my next pop art painting, and then headed out to my favorite Mexican restaurant in town. The meal was outstanding, the company was good, we had lots of laughs, and then we dashed off to make the 9 o’clock showing of Nightmare Before Xmas 3-D. Clearly, that was amazing. Now it is not yet midnight, and I am laying in my bed, sheets freshly changed, my hair still drying from a long, hot shower, and I’m going to Read A Book For Fun, until I drift off to sleep, without setting my alarm clock.

Ahhhhhhh.

Phew October 19, 2007

Well, another week down. That means that I have approximately 156 days left, not counting holidays and weekends. Yep, it’s like that. My life is currently One Day At A Time, and keeping tabs is the rabbit of my racetrack, I suppose.

I sat down to write, and thought, I don’t have time for this, and then I got disgusted, and sat down anyway. I don’t know that I have anything poignant or humorous to say, but I have to do something completely non-work related today. Once upon a time, not too long ago, I wrote every day because it felt good to me. It’s difficult having to be so consumed with school—I’m surely ready to graduate.

This week was a beast, but nothing compared to next; tech week and midterms unfortunately align, and that means I’ll be sassy and stressed and my crew will all be tired. My show is pretty close to finish, and it moves into the space tomorrow morning at 8, so the fun is officially beginning. This paint job has been the most fun yet, so far as colors go–I’ve never gotten to paint large amounts of bright red, bright green, or gold before, and I’ve gotten to do all three on TCBH (until I leave, I think it unwise to mention show names, since I know how everyone likes to Google for reviews…I could have a school scandal on my hands…). There is 3′ x 58′ foot light shell that runs along the downstage edge of the deck, painted to look like dark red velour, and edged with a 2″ detail of ‘wacky wood’ that we’ve gold leafed. Wacky wood can bend in at a 180 degree angle and looks like ply wood when it’s standing, and I’ve never gotten the chance to paint on it before, so that’s been interesting; we had to slather the whole thing in joint compound and Sculptorcoat before we could get it to hold any paint. Also, we’ve painted 9 scrims (gauzy material with large, open weave) in a totally abstract fashion, a rarity here, sometimes. Three of the scrims got glued to the floor, but it was a quick fix on all three. And, oh my goodness, the wood floor is kinda gorgeous, if I do say so myself… I’m proud of this show; it’s made me begin to realize that I actually do have a solid sense on how to paint a show, quickly and accurately and beautifully. Those feelings could rapidly dissipate during tech week, so I’m trying to enjoy the Good Feelings while they last.

Also, I completed a painting for my rendering class that I really dig…it took me three weeks, which is a lot longer than it should have taken me, but the results were worth it. Plus, my independent study is kind of the last priority, in the grand scheme of academic time management. Here’s a photo of my rendering, a Roy Lichtenstein reproduction, with my own personal twist. It’s subtle…

This painting is 2′ x 2′, acrylic and ink. In photographs, the dots aren’t as apparent, but maybe that’s the point of Roy Lichtenstein’s work?

I have to go read Oedipus Rex, and study for a midterm now. And maybe shower. Perhaps do some laundry. Life maintenance has been a little bit neglected, and I’m a little bit crazy right now, I won’t lie, but the important this is To Keep Maintaining. And I am.

TGIFF October 12, 2007

Man. This week was the longest week of my Whole Entire Life. I am getting scared that I won’t make it through this year, at the rate I’m going. I’m cracking up, people. This sleeping-fifteen-hours-a-week, and Living To Do Work is wearing thin, and I’m only a month in!! The only upside is that I’m one month closer to graduation.

I finished the floor for my first show of the year, today. If I do say so myself, it is the Most Gorgeous wood floor I’ve painted yet. It looks hot. Hawt, even. People walking through the paint shop thought that it was actually wood, until they got within five feet of it, and realized the optical illusion. Even better, the 4 time Tony winning director of the show loves it the most. So at least all of my hard work and no sleep is paying off. I guess.

There is free cosmic bowling tonight. I don’t know if I can man up and make it there. I was ready to go to bed at 5 p.m. I’m not sure why I’m even bothering to document this, aside from the fact that it’s been a while.

OH!! I forgot…the actual exciting bit of the week….Classes were cancelled yesterday afternoon, and a majority of my school (about 150 of us) got to take a backstage tour through the show, Walking With Dinosaurs. It was pretty incredible. The scenery was interesting, if not terribly realistic (and, according to people who actually saw the show, in total discord with the hyper-realistic dinos), but the dinosaurs were AMAZING. Imagine, life sized, ultra-realistic, fully automated dinosaurs standing three feet away from you. The triceratops gave me tingles. I felt like I was standing next to a real dinosaur. The pteradactyl was incredible, and the inflatable (on command!) greenery was whimsical in just the right way. The tour was a great reminder of why I do what I do, in the midst of All My Questioning. Plus, there were two cute women there that I got to flirt with for two hours. Good times!

In other news, I can’t go longer for more than five minutes without thinking about sex. I forgot what happens to me when It’s Been A Minute. It’s hard. I have a ridiculously evil libido. Stupid genetics.

I’m going to pick up some tasty Indian food and finish my Leichtenstein reproduction tonight, before bowling. And then it’s time for Midterms Week. Did I mention tech and midterms start on exactly the same day? What a lovely present!!

I’m exhausted. Please disregard any rambling I may do in the next, oh, six months. It’s all hot air, and cock and bull.

Spots and Dots October 6, 2007

I’ve been working on a reproduction of a Roy Lichtenstein painting for my independent study in Pop Art this morning. Does anyone have a good suggestion for a pre-made material that will create dots about the size of the head of a fork tyne? My instructor doesn’t want me to spend the time making a stencil myself; my challenge for this project is all about the dots, and my head is swimming with all the little buggers, and I’m out of ideas. Help?

I took one of my equivalency tests this morning–big relief. I only missed 8 questions out of 88, and scored a full 25 points above what I needed to, in order to receive the credit I need. Praise Jeebus!! Mind you, I was not exactly thrilled to be at the Testing Center at 8 a.m., with my hundred dollars ready to hand over, but it’s truly worth it. One and one half hours of multiple choice testing = 6 credit hours toward my degree.

School is already so overwhelming that I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel like I’m wandering around in a constant state of Half Awake Half Asleep…not exactly the ideal circumstances to spend the year showcasing what I’ve learned, and building a portfolio that speaks for itself.

I could complain for hours, that’s the real truth.

I’m tired and I’m cranky and I’m sick of painting and all I want in the world is to go to the county fair that is currently serving corn dogs and funnel cakes in my absence. Alas, I have to read Oedipus Rex and Gilgamesh, for the second and third time, respectively. Boo. Boo, I say.

One day, I will be in a good mood again. One day, I will get eight hours of sleep again. One day, I will graduate and remember what it means to have a Real Life. Phew.