Things that please me:
1. My beautiful, shiny, new (to me) 2003 Saab 9-5 Linear sports wagon. It’s fully loaded in a way I’m not even entirely sure how to operate as of yet, with radio controls on the steering wheel, secret pockets everywhere, a moonroof, nifty drink cup holders in the smallest, smartest places, and five different options for how I’d like my airplane transmission to operate. I feel like I need more education to take full advantage of this car. I have, however, managed to figure out that it goes zero to 60 in about three seconds. Operation Leadfoot, underway. All my years of driving like a granny to avoid the police have left me itching to speed. U h o h.
2. My brother is in a sweet phase. Fingers crossed that he will continue to smother me in hugs until…forever. I didn’t like those three months when he would tell me to shut up and go away every time I saw him. Teenagers.
3. My impending move back into Raleigh. I’m escaping the quiet clutches of JoCo in a bit less than two months, and as much as I’ve appreciate my mother’s hospitality, I’m real ready to move on. My brand new best friend in Raleigh, E, and her husband, E2, are moving to Hawaii for eight months, and they need someone to essentially keep their life warm. E’s freelance job as a prosthetic maker’s assistant, paired with their furniture and two kitties will be in my charge until roughly next July. E is an interior designer by trade, so their two bedroom/office/lovely kitchen/giant backyard home is just my style.
4. I have two serious offers on the table for art cars. This could, in fact, turn into a legitimate business. The interest generated has been nearly overwhelming. Sweet.
5. The Indian Princess has invited me to spend the weekend with her this weekend. Call me crazy, but I’m not so sure it’s a friendly offer. What straight girl invites an interested lesbian to spend the weekend with them? None, right? I will be sooooo disappointed if she tries to put me on the couch. I have already promised myself that I will promptly leave if that comes to pass.
6. I have a tan that would seem to indicate that I have had a lovely summer by the water. This is mostly true.
7. I’ve had an offer to illustrate a childrens book. I get to see a rough, rough draft tomorrow, with sketching to begin almost immediately. I would be The Most thrilled if the book actually got picked up, after completion. I’ve always wanted to illustrate childrens books.
8. Did I mention I am in loooooooove with my car? I feel like it’s elevated my status, and as materialistic and crappy as it sounds, I don’t mind. Somehow, I feel like more of an adult now that I have a nice car that I’m paying on, monthly, that I chose. Not another hand me down that makes me look like I’m 45-at-a-glance. Free cars are nice, but nice cars are never free.
9. Mowing the grass is an awesome chore, and it makes me feel zen every time I do it.
10. My Netflix subscription streams so nicely into the laptop I bought for at-home work; I have gotten through six of ten seasons of Law and Order: SVU. God help me, I need a girlfriend.
Things That Displease Me:
1. My job is really starting to bore me. The summer is the slow season, and a majority of what we have to do is medical for now. Medical transcription makes me want to throw my computer out the window and dance on the sputtering remains. I’m hoping that once the bigger accounts get back from vacation, the interesting work will start to filter back in. However, not working with my hands, regardless of the occasionally interesting content, is slowly driving me bonkers. I’m a tradesman, not a secretary. It’s stable work, though, and that’s all that matters right now.
2. I haven’t slept well in a week because the humidity at night causes me to stick to my sheets, which I then obsess about until 3 am, when I become so frustrated I stay up until 4, rolling around and trying to unstick.
3. I still haven’t won the lottery. What the hell.
4. I’m creatively flummoxed, with my days going as such: get up, commute to work, work from 9 to 5, commute home, walk the dog for an hour, cook and eat dinner, play the accordion and then the day is gone. It doesn’t leave a lot of room for painting. Right now, this is okay, but it won’t be for much longer.
5. My weight loss is still stuck on a plateau. I know that the secret is I’m drinking wine again, and I’m not exercising as much as I should, so I shouldn’t really complain, but it still pisses me off. I have to get back on my swimming regime, but it makes my skin and hair so dry…hmph.
6. Paired with the above, I am so sick and fucking tired of people only being interested in me when they’re drunk. Just all of a sudden, I’ve hit a breaking point. I’m genuinely pissed off about this. I swear, if one more woman tells me how beautiful and awesome I am when she’s loaded, and then won’t make eye contact when she sobers up, I’m going to slap her in the teeth.
7. And paired with both of the above, I am about done with my regular class of suitors: straight women that think they might be curious. I realized that I’ve only dated one real, live lesbian in my entire dating history, and this alarms me. What is it about me that makes straight women wanna be gay for a minute? What is it about me that tolerates this? A self-defeatist attitude? An inability to be attracted to butch lesbians? A brand new (old) way to punish myself for unknown crimes committed against…myself? All I know is I simply can’t convince anyone, ever again, that I’m worth being attracted to; either they’re into me, and they’re okay with that, or they’re not. I can’t waste time and energy on the in-between any more. All I want is someone to put in a little effort for me. I’m worth it. I am.
8. BMW. She is displeasing me lately. We are ‘being friends’ again, which has included a few phone calls, some facebook chats, and two very pleasant dinners. The problem is that we are still really, really drawn to one another, and I was honest with her about the psychic reading I’d had, and her response was, “I love you, I do love you, but I just don’t think of you in that context. I never have.” This, from the woman I spent two years with. Never thought of me as a girlfriend. Well, eff her. I don’t think I want to waste time with someone I will always be a little bit in love with, that continually manipulates me, flirts with me, tries to seduce me, and then pushes me away with hurtful words. I’m not old enough or rich enough. Though she would never admit that these shallow reasons play any role in her feelings, I know that it’s true. I know her well enough to see through her Buddhist shield of non-attachment and enlightenment to read between the lines and decipher the gray areas. Just like me, she prefers older women. Which I can never be. Irritating.
9. Quitting smoking is hard. I’m not having any success.
10. I’m cranky tonight, for reasons I can’t divine. I just want to go lay in bed and watch Law and Order, but I feel like my mom would worry if I did that. Maybe I’m ovulating and my hormones are surging; this is likely. The older I get, the more aware I am of ovulation; I get PMS twice a month now. Joy. I think maybe I should see a doctor about how tired I feel all the time, lately. Maybe it’s the fact that I still never get more than 6 hours of sleep a night, but maybe it’s a deficiency. Wouldn’t it be lovely if I could just take a vitamin every day and feel perkier? I want that.